I have always been a worrier and from the day I saw those two pink lines to the day before Noah was born I thought I couldn’t worry any more than I was – I was very wrong. The second he was born that is when I knew what really was to worry.
I have always been a worrier. I worry about everything. From how to cut my hair to what our 10 year plan looks like – it all keeps me up at night. I borrow trouble and fret over the small stuff. I don’t like it but it is just who I am.
I thought I knew what it felt like to worry. Then I found out I was pregnant and discovered a new level of worrying. I thought that over the 9 months I was pregnant with Noah I had reached my worry peak , I was so very wrong.
As soon as Noah came in to this world I felt true worry. Here he was out in the world with Kevin and I to guide and protect him through this big crazy world. Scary stuff.
I worry about all the things new moms worry about. Like the constant train of is he sleepingeatingpoopingbreathing enough? Am I doing everything right? Could I be doing better? But then there is a different worry in the back of my head.
When I was told I had thyroid cancer almost 5 years ago it was hard. But seeing my family bear the diagnosis with me was unbearable. Telling Kevin I had cancer was the single worst moment of my life. It made it real. It made me feel the deep wound that cancer is. Seeing the fear in my younger brothers eyes and the tender way they hugged me after the diagnosis like somehow I was more fragile than before broke my heart. Feeling the sorrow and grief from my mom and dad that they could not bare this burden for me tore me apart. But seeing Kevin, my love, my best friend and then soon to be husband look at me with eyes I had never seen before and tell me, demand from me, that I would beat it because he could not go through life missing his other half killed me.
Luckily over two long years, two surgeries and two rounds of radiation later I was cancer free. Even though I have been in the clear for over 4 years and this summer will mark my official remission phase I still don’t feel safe in my own body. And now I feel like I have the most important card to lose, being a mommy.
The idea of having to battle cancer again is terrifying, not because radiation and surgery are painful and difficult but because I don’t ever want to have to tell my family that news again. When someone in a family is diagnosed with cancer the entire family is diagnosed and I don’t want Noah to know that pain.
All I can do is be positive and control the things I can. So forgive me when I get on my soap box about tanning and smoking. How could I tan or smoke and then find out down the line I had cancer from those things and look my family in the eyes and let them down with that diagnosis. I couldn’t think of anything more selfish. It is like playing Russian roulette with your life and I am not willing to put myself or the people I love in that position. ( Ok, I am stepping off my soap box now. )
So for now I will take each day as I have as a gift. Enjoy and love each person in my life all I can. Live my life to its fullest and remember to take a moment every single day to soak in how very lucky I am.