My baby can’t read and that is OK.

Thank you to Noah’s first few months of 2am, 3am and 4am wake up calls I got pretty familiar with infomercials. There were points where I was so delirious that things like Nu-Wave oven (which can cook a 20 pound turkey in 30 minutes ) look like a good idea…I mean I was going to have less time to cook, so what if dinner was a little extra rubbery. Thank goodness I was too tired to expend any type of energy outside of breastfeeding to retrieve a credit card or our house would probably look like the “As Seen On TV” isle at Bed Bath and Beyond.

I usually forgot about these oddly enthusiastic, overly annoying ads once I got up for the day. But one infomercial always bothered me, enough so that I would think about it the next day, the My Baby Can Read commercial. Ok, not only is the commercial creepy but I thought who would do this to their child? You can only be a baby once, why would any parent push their child to grow up and read so fast? Why not let them have the innocence of being a child?

Then today while playing peek-a-boo, dance, dance baby (aka twist baby till your arms are about to fall off), flying baby (aka hold baby in the air until your arms are about to fall off)  Noah kept looking at the television. Here I was trying to stimulate his brain and he was more interested in watching Kathy Lee and Hoda sip their morning cocktails.

So in an attempt to compromise with Noah I youtubed, “my baby can read” and clicked play. I figured this was like educational baby tv it had to be better than KLG and Hoda. Noah and I sat both entranced. He in the bright colors and interesting voices and me in the insanity that is My Baby Can Read.

He began to dance and coo every time the slides would change. Obviously he was loving this acid trippy compilation of shapes, colors and sounds. I on the other hand wasn’t sold.

The first mash up was pretty great, it was all about colors. The screen filled with the color orange and some woman who sounded like Mary Poppins sounded out the word Orange. They then moved to yellow, green, blue, red. Then what I could call light blue/teal/turquoise any of these words could have described the color that popped up…except they chose cyan. Cyan? I mean I guess it is a color but I am pretty sure if Noah calls out cyan when learning colors in kindergarten he isn’t going to be making any friends, unless David Bromstead from HGTV’s Color Splash happens to be in his class. I figured that cyan wasn’t that bad, but then purple clearly came on the screen. Like Barney freaking purple – PUUURPLE. Not according to My Baby Can Read, purple is now magenta. Magenta?! Really?

I clicked over to the next video titled “left side brain development”. A cat appeared on the screen, it meowed, Mary Poppins knock off said Cat, C, C, C – Cat and then the cat turned into an antelope. WTF? What is this teaching my baby?! I am pretty sure what I would gather as a baby developing would be, I should freak the f out when  Opus (our cat) comes to check me out  because he is about to turn into a stampeding antelope. Mary Poppins repeats Annnntaaaalooooppppe. Then the slide goes to a clip art depiction of the Empire State building. Yes, cat, antelope, Empire State building. What is happening?

I was glad he could not understand what he was seeing. If he could how in the world do you relate such things? Why would my baby need to know about the Empire State building? How about words like milk, blanket, toy? Things he encounters on a daily basis. The next slide really got me – I am not making this up…. it was Stonehenge. Yes, one of the 7 wonders of the world…Stonehenge.

And with that I was done. I turned off the video and went back to singing and playing various versions of make mommy’s arms fall off.

I am sure that there is a science behind My Baby Can Read, at least I hope there is. But for now Noah and I are going to stick to reading books, playing peek-a-boo and watching Kathy Lee and Hoda in the morning. Because there is no way that KLG and Hoda are doing any more damage than My Baby Can Read, even after their cocktails they make more sense than that crazy ass video.

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2 thoughts on “My baby can’t read and that is OK.

  1. When I was raising my infant twin sons we watched David Letterman
    early morning especially the stupid pet tricks. we so enjoyed that most it made us all laugh how great to start the day with laughter. They watched Seaseme Street hated Barney and Mister Rogers. I so loved watching them learn and grow , they loved the outdoors and still do today
    They would pound on the door saying outside, it was so good for Mother and sons.

  2. Lol firstly thank you for a very entertaining dialog, you had me smiling the whole way through. lol I totally disagree, not on the program mentioned “cannot remember seeing that one” but the overall concept. I personally think their is no greater gift you can give in life then the love of reading. I am a great grandfather, and lol a father again! Wow talk about being blessed, the joy of being an knowledgeable parent, without all the imaginary crap we ALL are spoon feed interfering in our true role in life. Trust me when I say, its much better being an older parent then a young one! I work from home these days, SO my daughter “aged 21 months” gets me 24/7, lol you can trust me that part as well, ain’t easy. Its 3 am as I write this, work nights play day time, but loving it. The truth of knowledge acquisition starts with reading, all else really stems from there. No you don’t need to be well educated or particularly knowledgeable to have a happy successful life! But it sure makes it easier! Children are the most amazing creature, their mental abilities makes anyone over their 20’s seem like idiots. They reach their peak between 18 months and 2 years, and are still up there until their around 7, lol sorry it is all down hill from there:D Have you heard of the terrible 2’s? that is nothing more then their hunger for knowledge, their bored outta their nappies, “lol don’t sound the same as shit-less” with the attention span of a meat ant. My daughter and I read at least 30 books a day, check out the ants and the dust on the window pain, what she wants to do, my finger drags me off to do. She is learning 3 languages, English,Chinese and Thai “Satellite Dish, and Cartoons” free to air “Pepper Pig wins hands down” I am teaching her to read, as we/she goes, using a phonics program “I researched until I found what I believe is the best ” lol I am very picky where my daughter is concerned! it can be found at This program and a number of others I found work on principles I know for a fact work from my own studies in child development.”Phyc Hon’s” we don’t follow any schedule, she picks her own interests. The big point of the whole education thing is , IF ITS NOT FUN FOR THE CHILD DON’T BOTHER. To me the greatest responsibility as a parent is firstly to the LOVE you bear your child, well after that comes the BS society we live in. Teaching you child to excel and not to be a part of the norm! Well think about it, that’s simply following nature, children crave fun, excitement, new things, so make things so and your child will love to learn whatever you wish to teach them. Reading opens a multiple of universes to their eager hungry brains, wither its slaying Dragons, flying a spaceship to Mars or debating with Aristotle, its all knowledge and more importantly it gives them the tools to be winners in life.

    Daniel Warren

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