Thank you to Noah’s first few months of 2am, 3am and 4am wake up calls I got pretty familiar with infomercials. There were points where I was so delirious that things like Nu-Wave oven (which can cook a 20 pound turkey in 30 minutes ) look like a good idea…I mean I was going to have less time to cook, so what if dinner was a little extra rubbery. Thank goodness I was too tired to expend any type of energy outside of breastfeeding to retrieve a credit card or our house would probably look like the “As Seen On TV” isle at Bed Bath and Beyond.
I usually forgot about these oddly enthusiastic, overly annoying ads once I got up for the day. But one infomercial always bothered me, enough so that I would think about it the next day, the My Baby Can Read commercial. Ok, not only is the commercial creepy but I thought who would do this to their child? You can only be a baby once, why would any parent push their child to grow up and read so fast? Why not let them have the innocence of being a child?
Then today while playing peek-a-boo, dance, dance baby (aka twist baby till your arms are about to fall off), flying baby (aka hold baby in the air until your arms are about to fall off) Noah kept looking at the television. Here I was trying to stimulate his brain and he was more interested in watching Kathy Lee and Hoda sip their morning cocktails.
So in an attempt to compromise with Noah I youtubed, “my baby can read” and clicked play. I figured this was like educational baby tv it had to be better than KLG and Hoda. Noah and I sat both entranced. He in the bright colors and interesting voices and me in the insanity that is My Baby Can Read.
He began to dance and coo every time the slides would change. Obviously he was loving this acid trippy compilation of shapes, colors and sounds. I on the other hand wasn’t sold.
The first mash up was pretty great, it was all about colors. The screen filled with the color orange and some woman who sounded like Mary Poppins sounded out the word Orange. They then moved to yellow, green, blue, red. Then what I could call light blue/teal/turquoise any of these words could have described the color that popped up…except they chose cyan. Cyan? I mean I guess it is a color but I am pretty sure if Noah calls out cyan when learning colors in kindergarten he isn’t going to be making any friends, unless David Bromstead from HGTV’s Color Splash happens to be in his class. I figured that cyan wasn’t that bad, but then purple clearly came on the screen. Like Barney freaking purple – PUUURPLE. Not according to My Baby Can Read, purple is now magenta. Magenta?! Really?
I clicked over to the next video titled “left side brain development”. A cat appeared on the screen, it meowed, Mary Poppins knock off said Cat, C, C, C – Cat and then the cat turned into an antelope. WTF? What is this teaching my baby?! I am pretty sure what I would gather as a baby developing would be, I should freak the f out when Opus (our cat) comes to check me out because he is about to turn into a stampeding antelope. Mary Poppins repeats Annnntaaaalooooppppe. Then the slide goes to a clip art depiction of the Empire State building. Yes, cat, antelope, Empire State building. What is happening?
I was glad he could not understand what he was seeing. If he could how in the world do you relate such things? Why would my baby need to know about the Empire State building? How about words like milk, blanket, toy? Things he encounters on a daily basis. The next slide really got me – I am not making this up…. it was Stonehenge. Yes, one of the 7 wonders of the world…Stonehenge.
And with that I was done. I turned off the video and went back to singing and playing various versions of make mommy’s arms fall off.
I am sure that there is a science behind My Baby Can Read, at least I hope there is. But for now Noah and I are going to stick to reading books, playing peek-a-boo and watching Kathy Lee and Hoda in the morning. Because there is no way that KLG and Hoda are doing any more damage than My Baby Can Read, even after their cocktails they make more sense than that crazy ass video.