I have had a lot on my mind lately.
Last summer I got the “all clear” when it came to my cancer diagnosis.
It had been 5 years and I was told that I was in remission.
Then I had a follow up appointment and my doctor asked that I schedule some follow up test since the cancer I had was a very aggressive form of thyroid cancer and that I have another round of radiation.
I was shocked.
I didn’t ask any questions. I am kicking myself now. Where were all these questions that have been keeping me awake at night when I was sitting in the exam chair?
I just sat there dumbfounded as they scheduled ultrasounds, scans, blood test and when I need to begin going off my medication to become hypothyroid.
I was angry, upset and confused.
Right before the doctor left the room I asked, “I thought you said my blood work was perfect.”
He said, “better safe than sorry.”
My heart sank.
I walked out to Kevin and Noah in the waiting room and told Kevin.
He was so confused, radiation again?
I didn’t have any answers for him.
They needed to wait 3 months to re test my blood work to get a good level to compare to and then this February will start the process all over again.
I am upset and not thinking how I had the past two times I went through this because now I am a mother.
One side of my brain is thinking do not do this. It ups your chance of getting leukemia from radiation exposure. You will have to stop breastfeeding. Not only will you have to stop your body is going to make you stop well before your radiation because you will be so hypothyroid your body will stop producing milk. You will be a sloth of a mother for at least 5 months while your body goes through the roller coaster of becoming hypothyroid and then the two months it takes to even start to feel normal again.
Then there is the other side…better safe than sorry. What if?
The problem with this round of radiation is it is to search for a hidden recurrence of cancer which may or may not be there. I could be doing this to save my life or doing it for nothing and risking my life later down the road from all of the radiation.
Which better safe than sorry do I listen too?
I am so upset with this decision. It has consumed my brain for months.
Kevin was supposed to go on a business trip in February for work and cancelled it to be with me during the hardest part of the treatment. I feel like the cancer is spreading into every aspect of my life. My husband’s job, my role as a mother and my happiness.
I don’t want to be there again. I don’t want to be taken care of. I don’t want to be hypothyroid. I want to be “normal”.
I am bitter now.
I feel like I have done everything right for 5 years to be met with exactly what I was running away from.
I have read every study on the matter and half say do not do it until the blood work warrants it and others say if your doctor recommends it do it.
Kevin and I have decided to take it a step at a time and start with the least invasive test and work our way through this together and serenity prayer it.
I don’t know what else I can do.
I am hoping that with prayer and time we will be pointed in the right direction.
My heart and head have felt so congested with guilt, frustration and anger over this that I had to get it out somewhere.
So with this rambling, random blog post, I will take a deep breath and move on with my day..
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.