On Friday morning I woke up, made breakfast sorted out the house and then spent the day with Noah.
I felt a little off but couldn’t really place it.
I had an overwhelming calm with raging anxiety building in me.
The day before I had walked into the living room after cleaning up after dinner and bluntly said to Kevin, “the babies are coming…soon.”
The blood drained from his face until I told him I had no extra pain or contractions and my water hadn’t broke, I just had a feeling.
Friday afternoon Noah wanted his favorite snack strawberry Greek yogurt, Kevin was due home within the hour and I was trying to plan dinner and straighten up the living room while Noah turned snack time into finger painting time.
By the time Kevin got home from work Noah was covered in Greek yogurt and so was our living room. No big deal, he had fun and not only that but he ate most of it, although a ¼ of greek yogurt really can go pretty far in a toddlers hands.
Kevin swooped up Noah when he got home and we brought him to the bath.
Kevin still had to change out of his work clothes because now not only was he still in his work clothes he was covered in yogurt.
I told Kevin to go decompress from his work day (since it wasn’t a good one) and I would finish the bath.
But as I was standing there I got this pain, it didn’t feel like contractions. It felt like when I had an ovarian cysts that had ruptured a couple of years ago.
Not a good feeling but not anything I couldn’t handle. Just really uncomfortable.
I called out to Kevin and asked him to finish the bath so I could sit.
I sat for most of the night but that pain didn’t fully go away.
The past two days I had been abnormally tired and emotional.
My body just felt like it was in process of something I wasn’t in control of or telling it to do.
Of course I chalked it up to being pregnant with twins, having a toddler who doesn’t believe in sleep and trying to keep up with the day to day.
I was worried enough about the nagging pain to call my mother in law and she gently guided my gut instinct to go into the hospital.
I made dinner and then as we finished turned to Kevin and said, “I hate to tell you this but we are going to have to go to the hospital.”
He jumped into action cleaning up Noah and getting him ready to go to my mom’s in a minute and I got in the shower.
Kevin was a little confused the say the least. All I could relate it to is when Kourtney Kardashian went into labor with her first and she went into a trance and was showering and getting ready and putting things together so calmly while everyone around her was panicking. Its almost instinctual.
I calmly showered, got dressed and ready and then turned put a load of laundry in the washer so I could turn it over to the dryer once we got back.
We left and told my mom it would probably only be an hour or two.
When I got in they had a hard time finding both twins on the dopllers and had to have two nurses manually hold them pushed into my belly while another checked me in.
Half way through the nurse asked me, “did you feel that?”
I shook my head not understanding what she was getting at. Did she feel one of them kick her? Did she think she hurt me with the Doppler (which she was)?
Either way I was doing ok as far as I knew.
Twenty mins had passed and they turned the monitor to me and showed me, I was having contractions every 5 mins.
I had no idea that is what that feeling was or even it was that, how could I be contracting like that and not even know it.
They left Kevin and I in the room before the next tests and 30 seconds after they left I felt a contraction. It felt like my hips were in vice grips. It lasted about 30 seconds.
I didn’t say anything.
Then a minute later, again, contraction.
This time I didn’t have to say anything. Kevin saw my face.
Then another minute later, contraction.
I turned to Kevin and told him, “I’m in labor.”
He rushed to get the nurse and they checked me and I was 3cm dilated and they told me not to cough, push, go to the bathroom or sit up.
I was quickly wheeled into a room while they pushed an IV into my hand. Almost as soon as my bed was in place they had started the magnesium sulfate to stop labor.
I felt very hot, dizzy and just generally confused.
I couldn’t focus and felt like everything was spinning out of control.
Once they got my contractions to slow and tracked the babies a couple of more times the doctor came into tell me I wasn’t going anywhere anytime soon.
My voice cracked and I tried not to cry when I asked her questions.
She left the room and I cried harder than I have ever cried in my life.
What about Noah…. Oh my God, they are only 27 weeks…. Who is going to take care of Noah…. If they come out now what will happen…. I haven’t spent more that 6 hours away from Noah, he will be so scared…. What are the risks for 27 week premature twins…. Will Noah think I abandoned him… Someone tell me they are going to be ok…. All of them.
I felt broken. I still feel so broken.
My nurse came in and saw me crying and talked me through a lot of it.
I told her that having cancer was easier because it was just me. If it all went bad, it was just me that would suffer. But this isn’t just me and I have no control over it. Now not only is it not just me, it is Noah and Aiden and Evan and once again my family and friends had to come to the rescue while I sit in a hospital bed because my body has betrayed me.
She cried me with and wiped my eyes.
I didn’t sleep for two nights.
Contractions started back up on Monday afternoon. Kevin’s mom had just visited and they had given me a medication I had, had a reaction to previously but they thought it was worth a shot to help keep them in and I agreed. I was willing to risk the allergic reaction to help them stay in a little longer.
After my mother in law left my reaction to the medication started up. My hands, feet and face went numb. When I put my chin to my chest I couldn’t feel them touch and I started to see spots and have trouble focusing on anything.
Kevin came in just at the worst of the reaction and was terrified. He said when he walked in I looked worse than a 24 hour labor with Noah just from the reaction and knew if he could see it that bad on the outside it must that much worse on the inside.
They quickly gave me something to counter act the allergic reaction and pushed rapid fluids on me.
Within the hour they came in with forms for me to sign to have a csection and told me it may happen tonight.
I was devastated.
Luckily once the reaction died down I had a complete turn around and no contractions and was even able to see my family and Noah at the end of the night.
They ended up medicating me to sleep since I was not sleeping at all.
Right now we don’t have many more answers….just goals to stay pregnant.
The nurses have been so kind, honestly they are so impressive. They work so hard and are all so compassionate. I would never know I wasn’t their only patient. They work on their feet for such long shifts and never complain and just take care of everyone. They are like angels.
Each of them has asked to see the twins when they are born and they all have games they play with Noah.
One nurse even got on the ground and tried to break dance with Noah (his favorite thing to do) by spinning on her butt.
The NICU doctors have been in to speak with me and they were so kind and reassuring. They looked at their estimated weights from my ultrasound a week ago and told me that their weights are impressive and that they are confident that they will do just fine even if they were born today – but that there are still very large risks for them being born at 27 weeks.
I had the steroid shots in my hips to help their lungs mature, which is a huge blessing and will make a huge difference if they are born prematurely.
This entire experience has been very scary, emotional and hard. And it doesn’t show signs of letting up.
To have a text book pregnancy and have no problems at all and to have it turn on a dime is a very humbling, terrifying experience.
I have seen a lot of posts of what people are thankful for over the past few days and I can’t help but feel thankful admits feeling so broken.
While I want to be selfish and cry that on Sunday we were supposed to put up our Christmas tree and watch football together and tonight I won’t be able to cuddle my baby to sleep or fix all his boo boos or soak up all of his laughs, I do have A LOT to be thankful for.
My twins have beautiful heart rates and are still bouncing around my belly like there is a Zumba class going on in there and with all regards have no idea what is going on and are blissfully going on with their little lives in there.
Noah is happy. Really happy. I am lucky that my parents live so close and without blinking took Noah in flipping their lives upside down just to make his normal. They send me pictures, videos, make him all his favorite foods and make sure that this isn’t a negative experience for him….just a little vacation for him to be 110% spoiled before his brothers get here.
My brothers have all stepped up to help me, Noah and Kevin.
And the out pour of support from our friends and all the prayers has honestly been overwhelming.
We are very blessed and hoping that we continue to be blessed through this entire process.
So thank you to those of you who have reached out and given us so much love and support.
Thank you for the prayers, I really do believe they make a difference.
I will try to keep everyone posted…this is the first time I have been able to focus or have an hour to myself without being monitored and had time to think.
Please take a moment to pray or just think good thought for my twins, Noah, Kevin and my family.
Thank you all so much.