this too shall pass.

written 11/9/12

I don’t even know where to being this blog.

I have been through such a huge range of emotions in the past week.

Crying for almost two days straight, right along with not sleeping for 3 nights.

Being in denial that any of this was happening and thinking it was a mistake that I was admitted.

Being overly confident and feeling like I could be released and not worry.

And now freaking out about that fact that I may be released and what that really means.

This is all just so crushingly overwhelming.

I worry about Noah and miss him so much it hurts.

I worry that I am inconveniencing my family and Kevin to the point of madness.

I worry that somehow I will make a decision or doing something wrong that will harm the twins.

I am devastated.

I want so desperately to just go back and relive any day before last Friday.

I just want a day to soak up the life I had. Treasure it all more.

Not only am I hurting for being in the hospital but I am grieving losing the life I had.

I am so happy that the twins are coming but it is hard to go from one child to two (or three).

I am grieving that the last bit of the little boy I was going to soak up of Noah. Where he was still going to be my little baby… I feel like that has been ripped away.

I know he will always be my baby.. but I really wanted this time to be special for him but instead his entire life has just been turned upside down and it is only going to get crazier.

It is a hard feeling to explain. I know many of my friends have explained that same sense of grieving or anxiety over expanding their family. That somehow they are jipping their first or won’t be able to do all that dotting on the new arrival(s) that they got to do with the first.

I just feel like somehow I won’t be giving enough to someone.

It isn’t so much a grieving but a feeling of guilt, an anticipation of extreme guilt of letting my children and husband down.

I know in my heart this feeling will vanish when they come into this world but in here it is something that is constantly gnawing at my heart.

I just want to be a good mom and right now I feel like a horrible mother.

I feel like I abandoned Noah and even though he is happy, healthy and taken care of I am not the one doing it and I feel like I am missing out on so much.

I feel like I have gravely let the twins down. It is my job to get them here safe. They are growing fine, have perfect hearts and are active but I am the thing that is failing. My body, their home, is threatening them. It makes me hate myself.

I know this isn’t bubbly.

I know this isn’t sugar coated  and normally my venting into this blog is cathartic and I usually can guide myself to the light at the end of the tunnel by the end of my blog but I feel raw right now.

I am mad.

So for now I guess it is one week, one day, one hour and one minute at a time.

I want to leave but at the same time I am so scared to leave. There is no nurse call button at home.

Thinking that is overwhelming in itself.

When I speak with my doctor tomorrow morning I will just have to trust what she says and pour all of my worries and thoughts on her and see how it goes.

Just one foot in front of the other.

Just one foot in front of the other.

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3 thoughts on “this too shall pass.

  1. Peace be with you. I have been where you are, and while I will not presume to say that I know what you feel, I can empathize. My prayers for peace are with you.
    Many hugs,
    Kelly (dailymomprayers)

  2. One day at a time. This is just temporary. You will be home soon. Noah will be fine. Take care of yourself and stay put. A healthy set of twins is the goal.

  3. You knew they were coming… and its because of you that they are here, and safe, you are the strongest most amazing person I know, and I love you so much<3

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