If its not ok it is not the end.

I am not ok today.

Today I can’t shake it. I can’t stop myself from crying. I can’t break my mind from everything going on, every what if.

I haven’t seen Aiden and Evan in two days and today will make day number three because we are sick.

I don’t know what Kevin and I have but it might as well be the plague when you add not seeing our boys to the list of complications from this virus.

Last night I woke up at 2am from a mix of sickness and sadness.

My nightmares are unbearable add congestion to that and sleep is pretty much impossible.

Noah was up from 3am until Kevin went to work so we were all awake, just miserable and in bed waiting for something to give so we could get some rest or peace. That break never came. Kevin’s alarm clock went off at 4:30am and he headed off to work on a couple hours of sleep and Noah and I watched Good Luck Charlie’s Christmas special four times in a row because that is the only thing that can take his mind off being sick. Thankfully Noah and I caught an extra bit of sleep at around 6am but I woke up feeling worse than if I would have just stayed awake.

Noah has been extra cuddly today, which I am so thankful for. After he woke up he just wanted hugs and to tuck his head under my chin and rock.

But now that he is napping the house is so quiet.

I don’t know how to feel anymore.

Every time Kevin and have tried to accept where we are at and begin to feel hopeful or start to try to function normally something bad happens.

When we had just gotten use to the NICU at the Valley and thought “we can do this” Aiden contracted NEC. Then when he pulled through the surgery, Evan got NEC. Then Aiden’s PDA opened. Then they found he has hydrocephalus. Then his PDA surgery.

Right now they are doing an MRI on Aiden and a head ultrasound on Evan.

I am scared to even try to feel normal because I feel like if I do we will get hit with more crushing news.

I am sure that doesn’t make a lot of sense but without fail anytime we start to look at that light at the end of the tunnel it moves further and further away.

The light I want at the end of the tunnel isn’t crazy.

I don’t have crazy dreams, I just want my three little boys to be healthy and happy.

I want three little, loud, crazy, covered in dirt boys.

I want days where they wear my out to the point of exhaustion. I want those days where I want to pull my hair out because they are well, being boys.

I am not asking for this to be easy, I just want to know it is going to be ok.

Because right now nothing is ok.

Kevin and I were at the store last night and a little boy picked up one of those Hallmark dancing holiday things and tugged at his mom’s shirt and said, “I think daddy would like this for Christmas, it sings his favorite song.”

His mom yelled loud enough to be heard isles away, “Enough! I don’t have time for that right now! Enough!”

I know I don’t know her story, but honestly it took everything inside of me not to walk straight up to her and tell her, “have you seen the news? Do you know how lucky you are? At least he is healthy and alive, maybe you should make a little time for him! Because a lot of parents aren’t so lucky!”

I can’t handle people taking their children for granted.

Whenever we go out I feel so out of place, I feel like I have “she is falling apart” written across my forehead.

I often am so scatter brained that I can’t bring myself to remember the things we went to the store for, which right now is just the survival basics. Milk for Noah, diapers, wipes and sometimes infant Tylenol for those awful molars.

The fact that 3 of those things are in the same isle and I usually forget one is embarrassing.

Right now I am just stuck in this weird foreign land of motherhood.

When Noah was a month old I was kissing chubby cheeks and watching him sleep. I had gotten over my nerves of changing diapers and had become a pro at nursing. I proudly strolled Noah around our neighborhood in his stroller and was soaking up every second of his new life.

Now with the twins I can’t kiss them whenever I would like and when I do I have to be ever so careful. I still am scared to change their diapers, I feel like I might break one of their legs if I move them the wrong way, they are so small. I went from producing 150+ ounces of milk a day to now I can barely get 2 ounces a day from the stress my body is under. I can’t stroll the twins around but I do proudly snuggle them when we are lucky enough to be allowed kangaroo care. And now I hold my breath every second of their lives.

When I was pregnant with Noah I was so excited to become a mom and that was with going into uncharted territory.

This time around I knew what I was getting into…and it made me that much more excited.

Then my pregnancy and their lives seemed to get caught up in this horrible train wreck.

I trace back over every day of my pregnancy wondering what happened, what went wrong?

I didn’t eat deli meat, I didn’t drink, I didn’t smoke, I didn’t even eat frozen yogurt or custard as bad as I craved it because it was recommended not to.

I did everything right.

I took my vitamins, drank protein shakes, drank a million gallons of water a day, never even took Tylenol to ease my aches and pains.

I don’t understand.

And I am afraid that I won’t ever understand.

I hope my brain can one day accept that.

Maybe when they are ok…chasing each other around, laughing, eating me out of house and home, fighting, wrestling, just being little boys I will be able to make peace with not knowing why.

Because in the end it will all be ok. 

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7 thoughts on “If its not ok it is not the end.

  1. That was beautiful!! And as a mother of a NICU baby, I have known and felt your fears (although your babies are so much smaller then mine). I dreaded those late night calls from them and they expected those lat night calls from me. I pray for you and your husband and your precious 3 baby boys.

  2. I pray everything gets better for you & your family real soon and your babies will be home where they belong so they can get all those hugs & kisses that mommy, daddy & big brother have been waiting to give them… May God Bless Your Family,

    • It is hard to understand why things happen when we feel as parents we did everything right. Just turn over your fears and burdens to Jesus and praise him each new day. He will help you through the bad days. Never give up on him! We are praying everyday for your family. Keep the FAITH!

  3. Reading your posts are so difficult, not just because I feel so sad to know you guys are going through this, but because I know exactly how you feel, and it brings me back to those thoughts and feelings. I felt so hollow, and so empty, and so alone even though (at the time) my son was still alive in the hospital and my husband was by my side, as well as my mother and sister and aunts and uncles, etc were all around me, I felt like a shell, because my son wasn’t with me. I would imagine people were looking at me, just knowing something was wrong, I was so scatterbrained and out of it all the time, I could focus on nothing by my son, and until Griffin was at home where he belongs, I would continue to be off, because it wasn’t right yet. Once we lost him, it got waaaayyyy worse. I still have alot of issues and those feelings, we feel so broken without him (the 20th will be 4 months since he passed, and the 21st marks a year to the day I found out we were expecting, my husband found out Christmas morning), and who knows if things will ever not feel broken to me, but I can tell you this. God will give you strength you didn’t know possible. He has made you so strong for your sons, and look how amazingly they respond to you and your strength, your fighting for them inspires and drives them to fight harder. God gives us such a bond with our children that we can barely function without them, and them without us lol. I’m sure Noah just didn’t know what to do without Mommy around him all the time, this was a whole new thing for both of you. I have been thinking and praying and claiming Jesus healing over these amazing babes since I found out about them yesterday, I have been claiming healing all day today, even in the shower I was praising God for your family’s healing and restoration. I always pray in the shower, it is so peaceful and makes you feel cleansed spiritually, not just physically lol. Before I go to bed (in a few minutes) I will again be claiming Jesus healing over Aiden and Evan and will be praising God. You may feel off right now, but that will not last long, and everything will fit perfectly back together, the boys will be home soon and you will have three little and one big loud, crazy, dirty boys running around and this will all be something to use as a testimony to others. God is good, and he has your family in his hands, prepare to see even more of his mighty hands right now 🙂

  4. Pingback: Welcome home Evan. | love life & pugs

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