tears.

I had planned on writing a post about our fundraiser…a post about New Year’s and all our hopes for the next year but I can’t.

They are all half written and I just can’t pull them together.

I am just so sad.

I thought I was having a good week. I kept a mainly straight and happy face at our fundraiser. I was so afraid if I started to cry or took a second to be fully present I would start crying and not stop and make everyone feel uncomfortable.

But the fundraiser was so what we needed. It felt so good to just be around people. So many people came out to support us. We were so afraid to go thinking we might make everyone feel weird. We feel so out of our selves right now. In general we feel awkward. Our conversations consist of medical stats and the constancy of poop.  We don’t really know how to just be us anymore. Luckily every single person that came somehow knew just what to say and how to be there for us. Each person that came brought a sense of calm, comfort and love to us.

I think it was because there was so much love in that room and all for our boys, all that love let us feel like us again for a little while.

New Years Eve came and we spent the evening with the twins at the hospital. This week Kevin has been taking it all very hard. When we parked at the hospital we spent almost a half hour talking, well me talking to him. He said to me, “I feel like I am losing control of my brain, I am never like that. I am so scared.” For Kevin to say that it cut right to the core, that is a very un-Kevin like thing to say. I tried to make him feel better. When one of us is laying down at rock bottom somehow the other gains strength to help the other.

We spent about an hour with them when we had both realized we both had forgotten to eat that day. It was like once we both could see and hold them and feel that they were ok our brains then decided to take care of themselves knowing the boys were ok.

We had a dinner date in the cafeteria, two deli meat vending machine sandwiches.

Once we went back up to their room I fed Evan and I had an anxiety attack. I had been holding him and when I went to put him in his crib he started to cry. I picked him back up and he cooed and grabbed my shirt and fell back to sleep.

He wouldn’t lay in his crib without crying but every time I picked him up he would grab on to me and fall asleep, just like Noah did when he was so small.

No matter how much I tell myself it is going to be ok. No matter how much my brain tries to make this normal. Nothing can numb the aching of my maternal instinct. Nothing can stop my heart from feeling complete happiness and sadness at the same time when they coo and their tiny fingers wrap around mine seemingly begging me to stay.

I shouldn’t have to leave them. I should be there in the middle of the night when they cry out. I should be there to rock them to sleep. To feed every bottle. I should be able to kiss and love on them whenever I want to, not watch them through plastic panes on isolettes and them tethered in tubes.

I keep repeating to myself that there has to be a plan. There has to be a reason. Everything is how it is supposed to be, that this all happened for a reason.

But how as a mother do I accept a plan with such pain and such trails for my babies? How do I accept this?

Maybe it is hitting harder tonight because it is just me and Noah since Kevin is at work.

I don’t know what it is but God it hurts.

tears

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5 thoughts on “tears.

  1. Stumbled upon your blog……….I’m sure you have tons of prayers going up for you and your beautiful family………but just know that now you have one more person lifting you guys up………….

  2. God is with your sons, Things are so crazy, and it is so hard to pull yourself together when you see your children hurting, but we can take comfort in knowing that God has a plan, and it is bigger and better than we could ever imagine. Not being able to just have a normal life right now, not having them home, not being with them 24/7 to hold and kiss and feed and snuggle and smell and just have in your presence, is excruciating for a mother, but they are so blessed to have a mother and father who love them and are there for them as much as you guys are, God didn’t just give them to you, he gave you to them, knowing they would need strength and love to help them through this, and they KNOW, that you guys are there for them and love them, they can feel it 🙂 I know there is nothing I can say to make you feel better, but I am praying God gives you guys peace of mind and spirit, and gives you his comfort, so you can relax knowing that your sons have been healed by the Great Physician and that soon you will be home with two more beautiful boys and this will all be behind you. God gave us power in our words, and we are all speaking in faith that your sons have no sickness or disease and that their bodies work perfectly and are completely healed. This is done and you will see God’s mighty hand in all of this as this miracle comes to pass. We pray for you guys every single day and can not wait to see them strapped in their little car seats all chubby and healthy, on their way home ❤ God bless you Dominique, Kevin, Noah, and Aiden & Evan 🙂

  3. Amen. She said it all! I know this is so hard to understand. God is control and he will never fail you. I do know what it is like to lift eachother up when one of you hit rock bottom. You will look back in time and say Oh my goodness God carried me through that! Praying for you daily and my heart goes out to your family!!! God Bless~

  4. Pingback: Welcome home Evan. | love life & pugs

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