I don’t mean this post as a rant. I also hope that it doesn’t offend anyone but I have to be honest here. It is a place where the good, bad and ugly can come out.
While I use to have the luxury of editing and quietly writing these posts now they seem to come when my brain is over flowing and consuming itself and I need a place to let some of it to come out. They are usually raw, full of errors and at some points I am sure I am the only one that knows what I mean.
One thing you wont hear as a NICU parent is it gets easier. The absence of that advice is advice enough.
It doesn’t get easier, it gets harder.
What you are told is one day at a time and at times that it too much.
That is where I am hanging right now. I am taking each day hours if not minutes at a time.
In this struggle I keep getting hit over the head with the sentiment, “God doesn’t give us more than we can handle.”
But I am telling you plain and simple He does.
No I am not dead, I am technically “handling” it but I can tell you right now this is more than I can handle.
I don’t understand how this is meant to be comforting.
How is this supposed to comfort people who have lost a child, lost a spouse, are going through divorce, loosing their home or even dying?
One night, a sleepless night, the night after Aiden’s surgery I cried out to God angry.
I wanted to know why God would have this as part of Aiden’s plan. How could this be the path for such a perfect innocent baby? It was bad enough that he and his brother were brought into this world far too early and have had to move mountains since their birth but to drag him to deaths door and make him fight his way to survival as a frail innocent child unleashed an anger in me that I can’t put words to.
As we sat in his room the days before his surgery, when he was almost guaranteed to die I just kept asking people, “why would God bring Aiden in this world only to live such a short life full of pain?”
The idea that God is giving AIDEN this, giving ME this, giving our FAMILY this because we can “handle” it infuriates me.
And I know that even if this is a part of a plan and God did choose this for Aiden and for us he would understand my anger as Aiden and Evan’s mom. I am their protector this is my job as their mother.
What I feel, what I WISH people would say is this isn’t yours alone to carry.
What I wish people would say is that you AREN’T strong enough to handle this, let God carry it for a while.
This may be part of a plan.
This may have be “given” to us.
But with 100% certainty this is more than any of us can handle. It is bigger than us.
Even if God did give this to us, we were chosen for this struggle, please don’t say it.
It does sound warm and comforting until you are the one wondering, “Oh, God why?”
I can tell you with certainty holding my son last night, a week with out food in his belly, 6 days out of his third major surgery, hooked up to monitors and tubes down his throat, wild eyed and crying out in frustration, pain and hunger rooting around at my chest instinctually begging me for food and then having to leave him was last night more than I could handle.
The phrase, “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle”, isn’t in the Bible.
Actually in the Bible time after time people are in fact faced with much more than they could handle.
What always rings true though is that even in the darkest hour God is there for us.
So please before you offer what we know ultimately is well meaning comfort know that we aren’t handling it because we aren’t meant to handle anything alone and that is ok.