I finally feel like I am in a place where I can allow myself to move forward.
Since the twins were born I have felt frozen in time. To me I still feel like I should be planning Thanksgiving dinner and Christmas.
This year blew straight past me, actually it ran over me like a train.
This time last year I was eating healthy, loosing weight, had a successful Etsy business and my future looked predictably happy. My kind of happy, a control freaks dream.
But life isn’t like that.
So here I am standing on the other side of the Hell my family was just drug through ready to brush off and walk forward.
It is a hard thing moving forward after a trauma, because you are all too aware you could be walking toward another trauma and you have to pick up all the shattered pieces of your life from the last trauma.
So I stayed paralyzed in my own personal Hell.
My mind never left my bedrest, the end to my pregnancy or the NICU. It is like all that pregnancy nesting took made a little nest in the middle of a hurricane.
I couldn’t leave the nest because leaving the nest meant accepting where my life had placed me.
And quiet frankly I didn’t want to.
I didn’t want to accept the lives my twins were handed because as their mom witnessing their first months on Earth filled with pain, tubes, tests, surgeries, near death experiences and diagnosis after diagnosis their future seemed so much more fragile.
I faced a new role, I was a mom of three, could I be enough?
I had to accept what and who I had become. I gained the baby weight with the twins and then some (and by some I mean A LOT) because eating was just about the only thing I did to get through this year.
I had to accept that I was “broken”. That I had post traumatic stress disorder, that I was depressed and needed help controlling my anxiety.
I had to make plans to fix both these things.
I didn’t want to do any of this.
But I am a mom, a mom to three beautiful boys, a wife to an amazing man and I NEEDED to do these things for them.
I NEEDED to do this for me.
Over the past month I have slowly started to see more clearly what I need and what my family needs.
And I wanted to do it.
I feel like the hurricane passed months ago but the clouds, flood waters and ruin all remained.
So now it is time to rebuild and clean up.
Time to move forward.