Mommy-isims

After a night of running around trying to get some errands done without the kiddos for the first time in months. 

Kevin: I don’t know what to do with my arms when we are out without kids.

Me: I know it is like when you push your hands against a door frame and you let go and they just start to rise…I feel like I have to fight my hands from flailing around awkwardly.

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Kevin and Dominique plus 3

Posts have been few and far between here.

 

For many reasons, but one mostly.

 

Having a 2 year old and infant twins is hella hard.

 

There is no amount of sleep (not that we get any), no amount of caffeine that can touch the constant heavy blanket of fatigue that is over Kevin and I.

 

There for when we do have spare energy I usually don’t spend it blogging.

 

My brain cells have been in survival mode since the twins came home. I don’t normally have enough to spare to form a lucid thought let alone an entire witty blog post or one that isn’t just a short:

 

HELP ME.

 

My days are spent with Dora, Elmo and keeping up with the Duncan’s not the Kardashians.

 

I usually feel like a haphazard mess when we do get out of the house and then our outing usually end up feeling haphazardly disastrous so any attempt at feeling “normal” is just a vicious circle of haphazardness.

 

I want to blog, really if I ever should have been blogging about my life to document for my family/show the kids later in life so they don’t gripe when I tell them to clean their rooms or at least serve as entertainment for others it should be now.

 

Our life could be a reality show.

 

Sometimes when I am waving my white flag at the kids and trying to down my fifth cup of coffee before they lunge another attack at me I think about the Goslin gang and I try to whine less or at least try my best to not be Kate Goslin-ish.

 

Sometimes when things happen that would be full of canned laughter on our imaginary television show I don’t see it as funny at the time.

 

For example…recently someone sold us a rigged stroller off craigslist. We got scammed. Before we realized we had been duped we (I) decided it would be wonderful if we took our entire family to the local farmers market. I think I forgot I don’t live in Pinterestlandia and this is the kind of thinking that gets us into haphazardness and that I actually have 3 boys…2 infant boys and a 2 year old that don’t really dig farmers markets or being in public, well at least not behaving in public. The stroller was acting funny on our walk with all three boys strapped in and finally as soon as we got to the farmers market it broke. In the middle of the entrance. A huge, semi tractor trailer of a stroller that weighs almost 100 pounds broke with all three kids in it in the entrance to the farmers market. We sat on the ground and tried to fix it but it didn’t work, we figured we would just carry the boys around, enjoy the farmers market and then figure out how to fix it when we were done. You know make the best out of a bad situation. WRONG.

 

It was totally broken, not going back together, the previous owner used GLUE in the sockets so it would work to be shown not used.

 

So we had to walk home. We weren’t terribly far from home but when you insert Noah mourning (raging over) the death of his balloon animal he got at the farmers market and the fact that the twins are near impossible to hold together at the same time and they both decided they were hungry as we were leaving and wanted to tell the world about it, oh and it was a nice 95 deathly degrees out we might as well have been states away from our home.

 

Kevin carried Noah at first and I carried the twins. About a block away from the market Noah took his box of milk and squirted it over Kevin’s head and I was losing the twins. He couldn’t understand why I couldn’t just keep them up (there is an I told you so coming up) and I hoped taking the one that could hang on instead of slide down me like a greased pole would be better.

 

WRONG, wrong, wrong, wrongy, wrongy, WRONG!

 

Noah brought his wiggles guitar to the market and would not leave it with the stroller and was carrying it while being held. And by carrying it, I mean hitting me in the face with it most of the walk home.

 

Sweat dripping down my face, I am 99.9% I have not only developed asthma on this walk but am now having an asthma attack and am in fact dying and all I can hear are the cries of my seemingly feral 2 year old and the ever so overly cheerful wiggles singing, “fruit salad, yummy yummy, fruit/fruit/fruit/fruit salad yummy yummy.” (Note: the repeat is the smashing of the guitar on my face restarting the song)

 

I look up and Kevin, who was so sure the twins would be easier is carrying them like footballs by his hips.

 

We look at each other and through parental telekinesis tell Kevin to go ahead since his load was lighter and not waging an all out war against him. He shuffled home and I took a break from carrying the wild alligator, I mean my toddler home.

 

I stood Noah up on the sidewalk and waged the mom maneuver of I can do this all day kid attitude. We stared at each other for about five minutes and I asked him to walk and he did. He then realized it was hella hot outside after three houses and he did not want to walk and put his arms up for me to carry him.

 

So I mustered up what little energy I had left and carried him home, the last stretch wasn’t as bad, I think Noah was even tired of his antics by this point.

 

We got inside and all I could hear was my heart pounding in my head. Kevin left to go get the stroller with the van. Noah came up and hugged me and patted me on the back and asked for milk.

 

I got him milk, trying not to curse the fact that he had just dumped a box of milk that cost as much as a half gallon of milk out from Starbucks on Kevin’s head and down the front of my shirt.

 

I then sat down on the computer and updated my status on Facebook.

 

Dominique Teall

We bought a triple stroller yesterday and decided to take it out today to the farmers market…as soon as we pulled up the wheels popped off and wouldn’t go back on. We carried all three boys, one screaming after the death of his balloon animal all the way home. 
Worst (non medical) experience as a parent to date.

 

 

Immediately people started commenting how funny it was.

 

I closed the computer, irritated and pouting and went to self loath and hide the Wiggles guitar.

 

I cooled down….realized I myself was throwing a temper tantrum of the emo type and realized it actually was pretty funny.

 

Although when I hear the wiggles I do have PTSD flash backs of that walk I do laugh a little.

 

We are trying to sort ourselves out and adjust to our life of Kevin and Dominique plus 3. While it doesn’t sound as daunting or catchy as Jon and Kate plus 8…somedays…ok all days it feels just as hard.

 

So forgive me for the lack of updates, if we are being honest let all just applaud that Kevin and I are still alive.

 

Hopefully on top of surviving there will be blogging too.  

Kevin-isims

While out shopping at TJ Maxx…

Kevin: Look at this…this pillow is ruined. It is stained or discolored or something.

Me: No…that is an ombre effect. 

Kevin: I am supposed to pay $20 on a pillow that looks like I was in charge of doing the laundry…no thanks. 

Me: It is trendy.

Kevin: That isn’t what you said when I ruined the towels and all those clothes the last time I did laundry – they all looked just like this!

Me: Well aren’t you crafty. 

Kevin: Apparently! 

Our past 4 conversations tonight.

Me: Don’t.

Kevin: Don’t what?

Me: Don’t.

Kevin: Don’t what?

Me: Enough.

Kevin: Ok.

 ——-

Me: Lay down.

Kevin: Aren’t you supposed to buy me a drink first?

Me: No, not that. I need to poke at your ribs to see if I can make them hurt like mine.

Kevin: Oh…well that sounds ever better.

 ——-

Me: I heard a weird noise last night when you were in the room, what was that?

Kevin: It was the door on the dresser, the damper broke on it, so it slammed.

Me: Oh, yeah sure…blame it on the Ikea furniture, you know that stuff is quality material that never breaks.

Kevin: No, it was me closing the door to my secret hatch under the house.

Me: Like in LOST?

Kevin: Yeah, except with Bengals stuff and I watch Lord of the Rings in there and play Halo.

Me: The one in LOST where you have to type in the number over and over and there is a monster outside sounds better.

——- 

Me: Last night I fell asleep while Jimmy Fallon was on and I thought Eve was Michelle Obama when I woke up because I was confused but thought it was super awesome.

Kevin: I did too and I thought that lady looks like Michelle Obama and Eve. Except I didn’t really realize it was Eve. 

Me: So we were both right Eve is obviously working the FLOTUS look, only my situation would have been much cooler.  

Kevin-isims

While at Home Depot, with all three boys, all of whom were crying screaming.

(Note you will only understand this if you too are forced to watch the Disney channel far too much)

Kevin: This would be better if I had a rainbow Puffle. 

Me: It is sad that we even know what this is.

Kevin: Yes, yes it is.

Me: Did you just subtly reference Phineas and Ferb? 

Kevin: Why yes, yes I did.

Me: (sigh)

I am a wuss and I know it.

So I admit this post will confirm my lameness but I’ll post it any way.

What the what is up with tv nowadays.

(Evidence #1 in lameness) Kevin and I recorded Late Night with Jimmy Fallon because lets be real….we don’t watch anything that late because we try to not be up that late.

With three boys under the age of two we must sleep when we can sleep, by sleep I mean lay there motionless, hoping that somehow not moving and laying still waiting for the next cry will somehow recharge us as well as real sleep.

If we are awake we are knee deep in baby/toddler drama. With diaper changing, bouncing, rocking, bottle making, spit up cleaning and outfit changing.

But we love us some Jimmy Falon. So the other day at lunch time we popped on Jimmy.

We were enjoying our weekly dose of Thank You notes when the commercials came on. Noah was sleeping on the couch on the remote and we didn’t dare disturb him.

Right before Jimmy was to come back on a nice little commercial for the upcoming series Hannibal came on.

Where someone was eating what appeared to be pork loin and they asked what loin it was and then it flashed to someone CHOPPING UP A HUMAN APPANDAGE.

I do not watch horror films. I can’t even watch Dexter or The Walking Dead.  So this pretty much scared me, like I am not eating lunch anymore excuse me while I go dry heave for the next hour.

When did cannibalism become late night tv programming?!

What’s next Freddy Kuger co-hosting with Katie Couric or Anderson Cooper?!

Can tv just go back to Full House and Home Improvement? Or at least not show humans being chopped up?

Maybe I am just too used to PBS and Disney…or maybe just maybe it is a little over the line to have a graphic series about cannibalism on NBC.

Hannibal…no thank you. I would rather watch Yo Gabba Gabba 24/7 which if you have ever caught an episode of it you know is usually worse than the though of having your arm chopped off.

Tell me this isn’t the worst thing you have ever seen…

The freaking bangs.

As you can tell by the title of this post the bangs have not yet grown on me.

Kevin really likes them. He has told me 50 gazillion times. Noah is fascinated by them. I loathe them.

This post should really be titled..eff you Reese Witherspoon and your perfect bangs! (Just kidding, no one could really ever hate Reese Witherspoon)

Or maybe the title should be Pinterest stop making me believe I can DIY things like bangs! 

Well…after much requesting here is a picture of the bangs.

It isn’t a good one but I don’t have time for cool, fancy pictures (or haircuts!) my boys make sure of that!

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So that is that.

I told Kevin half kidding (ok…more like 1/16th kidding) that I was going to go back to blonde…

So we shall see if these bangs are the last of me taking my life stresses out on my hair!

Stay tune for more stay at home mama hair drama!

Kevin-isims.

While shopping for candy to pass out on Halloween…

Me: I would like to meet someone who likes candy corn. Like, loves candy corn.

Kevin: No one likes candy corn.

Me: They have to other wise they would just stop making it.

Kevin: If someone told me they liked candy corn I would recommend they see their doctor to see if they have PICA. You are basically eating wax.

Me: Agreed.